Healing-Ish

Let. It. Fall.

June 7th, 2026

I can’t really explain it but things are changing. Switches that have been long forgotten are being flipped.

It’s a buzzing in my soul. A restlessness that I can no longer ignore. A much needed nudging from Spirit to fine tune my focus for this next era.

And it is TERRIFYING.

Because it is TERRIFYING to not be in control. It is TERRIFYING to surrender to the process of becoming.

I am very much a woo woo girl. I will slap some magic and whimsy into any situation or conversation if you give me enough time. There is a card in an oracle deck I have called The Crumbling (Rebecca Campbell’s Work Your Light Deck). If I remember correctly, this is a card about things falling apart or being destroyed for your highest good. How trying to hold on and keep together what needs to “crumble” is keeping us from our truest self. And how we have what it takes to survive the death and destruction that comes with the chaos of “The Crumbling”.

This also reminds me of the “Castle” card in The Wild Unknown Archetypes Deck by Kim Krans. The Castle symbolizes strength, structure, and protection but the card asks that you evaluate whether the walls are actually protecting you or keeping what you need out. Has this places of refuge turned into a prison, trapping you in old timelines and beliefs?

Ok, back to being TERRIFIED of not being in control and surrendering to this process of becoming. There was a time in my life where things got so dark for me that I lost my mind for a bit. It took me a few months to get back to some kind of normal. And even though I found some kind of normal, I was really never the same after that. And at first, I didn’t know if it was a good or a bad thing…I just knew things were a bit different from before the world felt like it collapsed on me. That was almost 8 years ago. And now I look at that experience with new eyes. Although losing my shit was FRIGHTENING and DISORIENTING, it transformed me. And I don’t mean this in a Positive Patty, rainbows and sunshine, spiritual bypassing way. I just mean it as a fact. The fucked up experience of having some of the worst mental health of my life TRANSFORMED ME. I was no longer the person I was prior to that happening. Yes, there were parts of me that survived the crash, but there were parts of me that DIED whilst new parts ROSE from the WRECKAGE. And because back then I was in the midst of becoming I could not see or understand what I do now from that vantage point.

When I lost my shit, I could no longer take care of myself fully. I barely left the house and when I did, I had to have someone with me. I felt like if I went somewhere alone something bad would happen. I couldn’t go to work. I barely could shower or make myself food. I couldn’t sleep and when I could, I’d wake up wondering if I would ever find myself again. Someway, somehow…I did come across myself again and I became healthier. But again, I was never the same. I had to approach life completely different. I had to slow my pace and lighten my load. I had to ask for help. I had to sit in the DISCOMFORT of DIFFERENT while I figured out a new rhythm and course.

It was some of the most challenging shit I faced in my 20s but I survived it. I thought losing my shit was THE END of me when in fact it was a beginning. I turned a new chapter. And although the page was turned for me, the page was turned nonetheless. The point I’m trying to make here is that everything FELL APART so that I could be who I am today.

To this day, I still fear that dark space I was in. I still fear how dark the night got when anxiety and depression sank its fangs into me. I still fear how crushing and soul splitting the world became because I felt obligated to carry a load too heavy for one person alone. But now, I am in a continuous learning space on how to work with and interact with that fear. I realized that I couldn’t live a FULL life if I allowed that fear to direct my life. So I had to get to know that fear and build a relationship with it. I got curious about that fear and its origin. And it was revealed to me that that exact fear was created to protect me once upon a time. The fear of being out of control was created when life taught me that in order for me to be safe, I must be in control. That I can not by any means, trust someone else to be in control. That being out of control gives my power and authority away completely. That being out of control makes me vulnerable and susceptible. That there was no back up and that no one was coming to save me. And even the help given…would be a debt I would have to repay…with compound interest…that I knew I couldn’t afford. So I was better off doing it all by myself and try to be in control as much as humanly possible.

Now these narratives and scripts came from real events I went through. I learned what I had to learn to survive what I was enduring. To make a way out of no way. But I have been through the fire many times since those narratives and scripts were written. I have experienced support and reciprocity since then. I have survived and thrived through loss, disappointment, and grief since then. I have gotten up after I’ve fallen since then. I have found people that I trust since then. God has shown me just how good it can get since then. YET I hold on to this fear for dear life even though it was built from outdated scripts and narratives. Because somewhere deep down I still don’t feel protected and safe unless I’m in control. Because something in me is still being told that all aid has an agenda.

But what if I decide to surrender to the reality that there are so many people who would love nothing more than to help me but I just haven’t met them yet? What if I decide to surrender to the idea that I can rest in knowing that I am fully supported and that I don’t have to carry all that I have been carrying? What if I decide to surrender to the idea that genuine people give happily with no strings attached? What if I decide to surrender to the idea that I am more than deserving of rest and rejuvenation without having to earn it or prove my worth? What if I decide to surrender to the idea that I deserve to pursue my own version of happy and it’s not slight to anyone else’s happiness? What if i stopped letting fear bind me to living a half life where all I understand is limits and lack?

Our wounds and brokenness can demand protection and we become resourceful with what we have. We build up what we have available to shield us from harm. And as we mature and evolve, those structures become weak or even harmful to us. They are no longer sustainable or they’ve made it nearly impossible to connect with things that are meant for us. But how do we let go of what has kept us out of harm’s way for so long? How can choosing vulnerability be the answer in the middle of a storm? In the middle of war and chaos? Well..when the foundation is flimsy and the house is built out of lies, it is a false sense of protection at best. Maybe it’s time to search for higher ground or better building materials.

So today, this tiny pivot, this small but mighty internal shift…is me letting go. Breaking a cycle. Letting it fall and allowing it all to burn down. And knowing that from the ashes, the phoenix will rise again as she has before. Never the same bird, but one with a new magic and gaze. The Crumbling of The Castle might bring me to my knees, but it will also bring me closer to my most authentic self. And on the other side of this demolition, there is no more illusion. Only truth. And the truth will set me free.

The truth is that you are becoming. Transforming. Evolving. CHANGING.

And in the process of becoming, things must parish or cease to exist. Loss is inevitable. There will also be discomfort. Growth doesn’t happen in the familiar spaces. It will happen beyond the bounds you’re used to and know well. Things will also be a bit hazy or unclear. Because you are still BECOMING. You’re in the cocoon and you’re unable to see how you will emerge from this space with wings. But it’s going to happen with or without your belief. Your doubts will not stop what’s destined. So you might as well allow the process to happen and embrace what’s ahead.

Now is a time to be curious and in awe. Now is a time to be experimental and adventurous. Now is a time for exploration, imagination, ingenuity, and alchemizing. It’s now time for you to believe in YOURSELF, YOUR DREAMS, AND YOUR DESIRES as much as you believe in the worst possible scenario. And so it is ✨✨✨

A clip from The House Guest podcast with Scott Evans interviewing Danielle Brooks.