Mom-Ish
Sweet Surrender
This is an old post from my drafts. Finally having some the courage to push past being perfect and allow myself to be seen.
September 25, 2025
3:47 AM
Ladies, how you feel?
Mamas, yall aight?
Because I am losing my shit.
This week has been hell on wheels in the toughest hood I’ve ever been to, MOTHERHOOD. This week my daughter started feeding therapy. Now although I am thankful that my child has access to accommodations and resources that allow her to thrive, a new therapy means a new routine. And a new routine means introducing my child to new transitions and expectations. Which means creating new ways to help her navigate these new experiences and scheduling the time (on top of all the OTHER SHIT I already have going on) to practice and engage with these new skills.
My baby girl has been to school one day this week. Why is that you ask? Because she’s had a toothache and trying to find a pediatric dentristy that can accommodate my daughter’s autism in office (and who also takes MEDICAID) has been like trying to find a needle in a fucking haystack. I feel like I’ve been on this endless fruitless chase for the right dentist and I am at my wits end. I’m tired of making phone calls and getting the run around. I’m tired of poor customer service and lack of consideration. I’m tired of even the offices that treat me kindly letting me know that they can’t provide my child with the services she really needs because of her age. And to face all of this frustration while my baby is in so much pain, I am at the end of my rope man. She has been tossing and turning through the night so I am running on fumes. I’m writing this post as she sits next to me watching her tablet trying to distract herself from her discomfort. So I figured, “you might as well write about just how OVERWHELMED you are in this moment”.
And to add insult to injury, although I know I’m doing the absolute best I can, it doesn’t fucking feel like it. My baby is still in pain. She’s crying to me off and on and all I’ve been able to do is dull her discomfort. Do you know how awful it feels to have your child call to you for help and the help you give them isn’t helping? You are supposed to be the fixer. The one who can make it all better. Yet life is lifeing and all your efforts are falling short. I’ve been on the phone for hours for the past two days trying to find a way to get someone to get my baby’s toothache to feel better and get the work done that she needs. But I keep having doors closed in my face. I’m stressed and exhausted. And while I hold my baby girl and tell her everything is going to be okay and that I’m here…those are the exact words of affirmation and encouragement that I need. I need a hug and to be held. I need comfort and nurturing. I need someone to rock me to sleep and tell me it will get better soon. But who does that for moms? Especially when our littles are sick. Especially when our littles want no one but us.
My body is sore. My eyes are red. My brain is zapped. I have to be up in a few hours to call around to more dentists and run errands. I know I signed up for this but good grief. Being a mom shouldn’t have to be THIS hard. And isolating. And lonely. And defeating. I know I’m a strong lady but I’m over this being strong shit. I want a nap and a sandwich. Preferably one I don’t have to buy because food is high!
I’ll end this entry by saying this. Relinquishing my idea of control has been one of the hardest things I’ve had to do in being a mom. Letting go of the outcomes and trusting God isn’t easy when your child is in distress and you’ve done all you can to try and fix the problem. Things constantly go different than I planned. But surrender allows me to accept things as is and allows me to switch gears if need be. I’ve become more resilient and less attached to outcomes. It’s still hard but not nearly as hard as gripping onto control for dear life and hurting myself in the process. I’m not going to be able to fix every problem that my daughter faces. As much as I would love to wave a magic wand and take all her pain away, sometimes life just happens. And the best thing I can do for her is be her mommy. Be present with her. Hold her hand. Rock her slowly. And tell her that I’m here and not going anywhere. As difficult as this week has been, I am grateful that I’ve been able to be my daughter’s safe place. I wouldn’t have it any other way (well maybe just a much needed vacation 😂).
Ahhh this is so relatable. It is so hard to see our kids in pain knowing we can’t solve it easily. 😭 I know this was an older post, but reading this brought me back …
Years and years ago, I struggled, under a court order (long story, lying & manipulative men, yadda yadda) to find a psychologist who would see a 4 yr old for specific care, would report back to family court and comply with a litany of requirements. There was one in our tri county area and didn’t take insurance. But I was under a court order and a deadline. I don’t know how anyone can navigate health care while healthy, let alone with pain or restrictions.